I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
