I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
