My cat gives me a boner
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
