If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
