The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I love you.
Bad choice
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
