She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
In other news, I just burned my penis
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
