He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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