Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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