And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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