forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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