Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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