if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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