I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
