I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
