I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
