ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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