Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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