I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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