She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
