Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I party with great urgency now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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