when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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