I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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