At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
