i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
