Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We had sex on a dog bed..
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
