I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
look no pants
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
