I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
