I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
