my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
