he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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