May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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