I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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