we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
