The maid of honor just puked.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
