She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
