I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
