when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
