Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
