Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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