She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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