I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
