You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
