I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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