I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
