guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
