I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
