M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
you never un-have a 4some
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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