I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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