Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
