you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
