It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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