Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
