I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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