Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
