Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
