@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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